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Monday, 29 March 2010

R.I.P

What a terrible way to end Spring Break. The friend who saved me from my loneliness committed suicide in his dorm room. He hanged himself and for what reason? We can only imagine. Whatever the reason is, he must have felt alone at one point and my only regret was not being able to tell him that he was my savior. I thought about it once, but I was too embarrassed to tell him that he was my only friend and if he had left me, I would have been all alone. I wonder if at times he knew how much I depended on him. When everyone else had abandoned me, he was there to save me. We always ate together, went to downtown New Brunswick at the oddest times, just to get out of the dorm and take in a breathe of fresh air. There were times where I felt like he didn't really trust me enough. He was always guarded about his feelings, but he never hid his resentment for being Korean. I, on the other hand, loved the Korean culture and was always complimenting and getting excited over everything Korean. I wonder if he ever thought that the only reason I was his friend was because he was Korean.

When we first heard the news, the entire community was in tears, but I wasn't able to cry. I was mad at myself and it reminded me of the time when I was at SkillsUSA and we had just won first place. My team mates were all crying, but I couldn't cry. I was so disappointed in myself for lacking emotions and questioned myself if I even had a heart. I felt like people were looking at me going "Why isn't she crying? They were so close and yet she's showing no emotion." When I finally did cry, I felt so selfish for my reasons for crying.

I felt selfish for wanting attention and wanting friends. When Onion left me, I felt like I lost all of my friends. If it wasn't for Neha [my room mate] I would probably not be able to get out of my room for days. Aside from my room mate, he was my only other friend at Rutgers. Not saying I didn't have people who I sometimes talk to, but I never felt like they wanted me around. In conversations I felt so awkward and I feel like so much judgment is being place on the things I do and say. With Onion, I was free to be myself. He made fun of me for so many things: drawing 4 legs on a duck, thinking that 6 ft came after 5'12, and not being able to do simple math. He was such a big part in keeping me strong about life at Rutgers. I never told him this, but after he was considering transferring colleges, I wanted to transferred out also. I hated being left alone and the aftermath of what I had left made me cried so much harder. But I was only crying for myself.

Kyle told me there is no wrong way to cry and I believe that is true. I just hope the people around me know how grateful I am for all their support. All I wanted from college was friends and I felt like Onion was my only friend. Now I know that I have more, and there's people I can turn to for help.

I'm missing you more every day Onion and I wish you would come back... :(

Saturday, 16 January 2010

China

Over Winter Break I went to China with my mom. I'm now back in the U.S. and the new semester starts in less than 3 days. My new room mate contacted me over facebook and she seems nice, but didn't reply to my msgs yet. She looks like a party girl and I don't mind just as long as she doesn't come bursting into the room at crazy hours.

I couldn't sleep last night because I know time is running out for me. I do not feel at home at Rutgers and I definitely want to transfer to a different school next year, but I don't know which school yet and the deadlines are coming up. What's more difficult is that I am still undeclared and have no idea what to do with my future [which makes it harder to look for schools].

The education in the U.S. is overpriced. Why can't colleges be more affordable free in the U.S. like it is abroad in other countries? Maybe I would feel less guilty about wasting my parent's money on college.

My problem with Rutgers is that because I'm undecided and taking basic courses to fulfill my liberal arts requirement, if I were to declare a major later on, most of those courses would not count towards the major, thus I would be behind and have wasted not only my time, but my parent's money for those wasted semesters.

/Sigh. I wish life would throw me a bone and tell me what I need to do. I need guidance in my life. I was never one for creating my own path. I'd rather follow the road because I don't want to get eaten by a bear if I venture off into the forest by myself.

Too stressed at the moment to talk about my China trip. Perhaps later I will.

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Asian Snacks

Craving these at the moment:

Lotte Koala No March Chocolate Cookies . Yummie! Chocolate filling is inside. I also like the strawberry kind

Monday, 21 December 2009

Back to Rutgers

Going back to college today with my brother. He just wants to visit and see what its like there. He might be sleeping over and since I lack a room mate, he can use the empty bed on top :) I bunked our beds to make the rooms bigger. So far no new room mate. I'm sure if I got one, my dorm mates would have texted me while I was home..still..might be awkward to walk in and see a new person there.

So I've been browsing through youtube videos [nothing better to do when theres over 12 inches of snow outside and no tv in my room :] and I realize that people who are popular on youtube, their profiles are filled with comments from keyloggers. They use a picture of a naked women and once clicked, on their profile they have links to sites that are probably harmful to your computer. I spent my time reporting those images to youtube. Ugh..I must be incredibly bored to do that..reminds me of my player moderator days on Runescape